Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Dead girl

I thought I'd be more honest today than I've ever been in my blog...I'm gonna do my best and write straight from my heart! I wish I could express to whoever's reading this, the pain I've felt and suffered in my life. Not so you can feel sorry for me, but so you would know how amazing it is to know Jesus Christ! Many times the pain was so intense I just wanted to hit a wall or run away. The confusion was so great that at the age of 6, I could not fathom what was going on or why? It made no sense to me that my family was constantly in such turmoil or why we could never stay in one place longer than a couple years....I would establish friendships and then they would be ripped away from me. I would like where I lived or the house I lived in, and it was also gone in an instant. The pain of seeing my Mom drunk or high was unbearable or driving away from a visit with her in prison...Tears, tears, tears! I learned quickly that life was not a joke and I FELT pain! But after a while- you can only take so much pain and then what happens is you become numb. "No one's gonna ever hurt me like that again" or "I can't get close to people because somehow their not going to be able to stay in my life" On the outside I looked just like any ordinary girl. I tried to dress like everyone else, smile, and I was always popular. I knew how to fit in and I always did! I found though that there were very few people who understood me. Most people seemed "shallow" compared to what I had been through. I remember thinking-these girls would crack if they'd been through what I'd been through-if they get this upset over a guy...Inside though, I was longing for truth and for love! I knew my Savior Jesus and I had learned to depend on him. He was seriously, my best friend! I would call out to him as much as I needed to! He kept me safe and secure but I didn't know always how to make the best choices. I did the best I could but I still had to learn. I didn't want to learn the hard way, so I did my best learning from other's mistakes... but I didn't know how to love myself. See, I felt like all the messages I was getting was that I wasn't worth a whole lot b/c I was kind of having to fend for myself. I wasn't being protected from things by my parents-I was just thrown into the wolves. I had to "deal" with whatever situations they put me in. There was no thought or consideration as to what I wanted. But I was constantly trying to please them and be the daughter they wanted. Mainly, I lived that way because I wanted to please God. But again, inside I was angry at them. I had a lot of anger! I had dreams that no one was taking notice of Talents, ideas, and gifts that God had given me. I was taken for granted! I was living this "perfect" little life but it was never good enough. I WAS DYING!!! The layers of hurt were so deep, not even I knew how deep they were! Only God could heal me! Thank God, I didn't make things worse by choosing to drink, smoke, have an eating disorder, sexual issues, or any other type of vice. I just was messed up in my mind and heart! I didn't let anyone get close b/c I didn't want to feel- I didn't want to be manipulated any longer. I didn't want to listen to what people had to say b/c so much of what I had heard from others were lies or coverups! I just wanted peace and truth and joy and love.... I finally realized that Jesus Christ could give those things to me and I could hold on to those things and NOT let anything take them away from ME. It doesn't come from someone else. No one else will be able to make me feel joy, or loved or peaceful. I have to have those things INSIDE of me! Once I figured that out-the healing process began in my life. It used to be for short spurts, if I was around a peaceful person then I felt peace. Or if someone was really happy, than I was happy and so on....What Jesus has put in ME can not be taken away AND THAT'S A FACT! We have the choice! People, unknowingly and sometimes knowingly, bring us down...We have to stay grounded in the Word though and what Jesus says about us! It's unbearable to think about what goes on in this world we live in today! People are hurting all around us-Totally Lost and DEAD on the inside-just like I was. But now I have something to offer b/c I'm not living as a slave to sin-I'm free! I don't just have "religion" I have a changed heart and mind. I have to renew my mind though EVERY DAY! I also feel it's my duty to help others see the truth in me! I thank God I have compassion for others and that my heart goes out to people every day. I may not be able to talk to everyone but I do pray for them. It's a miracle that my heart is not hardened and I'm not a tough old bird! I'm so thankful to Jesus Christ. He saved me and set me free-just like his Word says he can do! That simple belief in Him is what's saved my life! Galatians 5:1 "It was for freedom that Christ set us free therefore KEEP standing firm and do not be subject AGAIN to a yoke of slavery." What do YOU need today? Unconditional Love, acceptance, freedom, peace? If those things sound good to you-then you need Jesus Christ! All it takes is a simple prayer of faith-believing that a far away God can be as close as you need him to be! He wipes away our past and forgives us like it never even happened- No one else will be able to give you that! You can spend your whole life looking for something you'll never find- OR you can choose to lay everything down and Let Him lead you!